Using our gifts with confidence

I have seen quite a bit of Tom Jones recently (not in person, unfortunately). The television was on last Friday evening, and Tom was on Graham Norton's sofa alongside Will Smith and Gary Barlow. It was an entertaining line-up, and something I particularly enjoyed was the audience participation of the theme tune from "The Prince of Bel Air", most notably because my son Harry has become a fan of this recently and I knew he would find it very amusing (which he did when he watched it on iPlayer the next day!).

Tom also appeared the following evening on the judging panel for the BBC series "The Voice" which seeks to give individuals the chance to showcase their talents and provide a step-up in their musical futures. On Saturday evening, one of the contestants had finished singing and was receiving feedback from the four judges. The nerves that she had felt during the week were discussed, and how it had been a challenge for her to try and overcome these. As part of his feedback, Jones asserted that it is not nerves which are the problem, but fear. Nerves can indeed be helpful in some measure; the research which a colleague at the School of Education undertook into performance anxiety of music college students indicated that some anxiety can in fact enhance performance, but too much anxiety can be debilitating. At what point, then, does a potentially helpful dose of nerves become fear, and negatively affect either a musical performance, or for that matter anything which we might be attempting to do? The aforementioned research suggests that the development of self-confidence plays a crucial part in optimising the effects of anxiety so that its "desirable effects...(are) maintained and optimised while its catastrophic consequences are eliminated as far as possible in performance situations." This quote follows the point that teachers can do much to assist in their students' development of self-confidence, but that this must be "with the application of strategies to enhance independence and self-sufficiency" (my italics).

Another way of putting this is that self-confidence can be nurtured and increased by the part that others play, but, ultimately, in order for a person to be truly confident in themselves they need to internalise this confidence and believe it independently of others' opinions: being told that one is good at something or has attributes of any kind is not enough on its own, much as it can give us a boost. We may hear the words of affirmation offered by others, but find it difficult to believe them ourselves. Indeed, we may know that we are good at something, but doubt our abilities sometimes.

Take last night. I had been asked to help lead the prayers at the beginning and end of the Deanery Synod meeting; a few of us had got together a couple of months before the meeting and discussed ways in which we could help make the meetings more prayerful, rather than just working through the agenda. We were each asked what we felt we could contribute towards the next few meetings and I suggested that I could contribute something music-related; that perhaps we could include a Taize chant at the beginning and the end of the meeting. This was agreed and I sought out a few chants; I am unfamiliar with leading Taize, but as a musician the learning of the chants was straightforward enough.

When last night came round, however, I was feeling nervous. Although I teach music in schools - much of it singing- and have sung in church choirs since I was very young, I was feeling nervous about leading the group. What if I pitched the music too high (being a soprano) and we were all screeching the chants?! I don't have a tuning fork, else that would have been a bit of reassurance on this front (and will be something I will be buying for future unaccompanied leading!). I didn't feel just nerves, though, but a lack of confidence in my ability.

Despite the fact that I told myself that this lack of confidence in my ability was misplaced given my experience in singing and leading singing, it was there. And then I thought, as I stood in the kitchen not long before I set off, why on earth am I worrying about this? What, ultimately, I am doing this for? I am using my gifts to lead people into prayer - to help them to praise and worship God, and that is what I need to focus on. I didn't feel anxious anymore.

Yes, it is important to do the very best we can, and sometimes nerves can help us to achieve this. But a lack of self-confidence or fear will not help us to do this. We need to acknowledge our God-given gifts and recognise that each and every one of us has something to offer. We should then use our gifts with confidence and joy, knowing that those gifts with which we have been blessed, whatever they may be, can enhance people's lives in many ways.

Others can affirm our gifts and help us to grow in confidence, but we need to have the self-confidence to believe in what we can do in order to use our gifts to their fullest and thus serve and glorify God in doing so.

Known and unknown

In a recent post, I wrote about the slightly frantic nature of school mornings in our house. I have since found a clip of Outnumbered on YouTube which had me laughing out loud in recognition!

Another time of the day that tends to be busy every day is bedtime, and the time leading up to this. After a bath/shower and a story, it's time for the boys to settle down to bed. It's really important to me that each of them has time when we chat one-to-one before I sing to them (even Harry, my ten-year-old, still likes me to sing to him, although not if he has a friend sleeping over :-)), say prayers and say goodnight. I have found that it is one of the times that they really like to talk about things that are on their minds, as it is quieter with fewer distractions.

Once the children are in bed, I then have the rest of the evening to myself. Most evenings I potter around doing bits and pieces in the house, perhaps getting things ready for the next day, doing some work, catching up with people on the phone or computer or reading (or writing the blog!). Sometimes I am really tired and don't have the energy to do much other than have a bath and go straight to bed! One evening last week, I felt like I was coming down with a cold and felt a bit below par. The phone went just after I had got into the bath and by the time I had got out, it was late. It had been my mum on the phone just phoning to say hello and have a chat. Although I didn't speak to her that evening, her phone call, and just hearing her voice on the answerphone, really lifted me. And the thing is, mum didn't know then that her call had meant as much that evening in particular; we often speak on the phone and this night was no different to any of the others in many ways, except for the fact that her phoning made an especial difference to how I felt that night.

Sometimes our thoughts and words of kindness or encouragement mean a lot more to people than we realise at the time, and sometimes we may not realise the extent of the impact of them at all. Sometimes people say something in passing that can really speak to us and stay with us for a long time. Sometimes we can read something that encourages us and lifts us which we can refer to again and again.

Support and encouragement may come to us, but it may be necessary at times for us to reach out for support from others when we need it, although this can be hard to do; it is certainly something that I have found difficult to do at times. I was reading a book recently which wrote specifically about how fellow mums can support and encourage each other, and that this has to start with honesty; the old saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' rings very true -  but the problem needs to be acknowledged and shared in the first place if it is going to be halved. I am very thankful that I have people to whom I can turn and say 'I am finding this difficult', and they help to give me the love and support that I need - this includes a listening ear and, often, a good dose of perspective (and humour!) that is much-needed and helps a great deal.

The encouragement that we get matters, as does the encouragement we give, and we may not be aware of how far-reaching what we say and do might be. Let us look for opportunities to encourage and support others where we can and let them know that they are thought of. Related to parenting and giving support to others on a wider scale, I think particularly of the group I have mentioned before in this blog, Mums in Durham, that has offered so much support to other mums in the Durham area and is celebrating its first anniversary this week. I also think of two friends of mine who have recently published a book and set up a website which will help new dads and support families experiencing parenthood for the first time.

Their efforts will continue to impact upon many, many people, known and unknown, as our efforts can also make a big difference to others, known and unknown.