Using our gifts with confidence

I have seen quite a bit of Tom Jones recently (not in person, unfortunately). The television was on last Friday evening, and Tom was on Graham Norton's sofa alongside Will Smith and Gary Barlow. It was an entertaining line-up, and something I particularly enjoyed was the audience participation of the theme tune from "The Prince of Bel Air", most notably because my son Harry has become a fan of this recently and I knew he would find it very amusing (which he did when he watched it on iPlayer the next day!).

Tom also appeared the following evening on the judging panel for the BBC series "The Voice" which seeks to give individuals the chance to showcase their talents and provide a step-up in their musical futures. On Saturday evening, one of the contestants had finished singing and was receiving feedback from the four judges. The nerves that she had felt during the week were discussed, and how it had been a challenge for her to try and overcome these. As part of his feedback, Jones asserted that it is not nerves which are the problem, but fear. Nerves can indeed be helpful in some measure; the research which a colleague at the School of Education undertook into performance anxiety of music college students indicated that some anxiety can in fact enhance performance, but too much anxiety can be debilitating. At what point, then, does a potentially helpful dose of nerves become fear, and negatively affect either a musical performance, or for that matter anything which we might be attempting to do? The aforementioned research suggests that the development of self-confidence plays a crucial part in optimising the effects of anxiety so that its "desirable effects...(are) maintained and optimised while its catastrophic consequences are eliminated as far as possible in performance situations." This quote follows the point that teachers can do much to assist in their students' development of self-confidence, but that this must be "with the application of strategies to enhance independence and self-sufficiency" (my italics).

Another way of putting this is that self-confidence can be nurtured and increased by the part that others play, but, ultimately, in order for a person to be truly confident in themselves they need to internalise this confidence and believe it independently of others' opinions: being told that one is good at something or has attributes of any kind is not enough on its own, much as it can give us a boost. We may hear the words of affirmation offered by others, but find it difficult to believe them ourselves. Indeed, we may know that we are good at something, but doubt our abilities sometimes.

Take last night. I had been asked to help lead the prayers at the beginning and end of the Deanery Synod meeting; a few of us had got together a couple of months before the meeting and discussed ways in which we could help make the meetings more prayerful, rather than just working through the agenda. We were each asked what we felt we could contribute towards the next few meetings and I suggested that I could contribute something music-related; that perhaps we could include a Taize chant at the beginning and the end of the meeting. This was agreed and I sought out a few chants; I am unfamiliar with leading Taize, but as a musician the learning of the chants was straightforward enough.

When last night came round, however, I was feeling nervous. Although I teach music in schools - much of it singing- and have sung in church choirs since I was very young, I was feeling nervous about leading the group. What if I pitched the music too high (being a soprano) and we were all screeching the chants?! I don't have a tuning fork, else that would have been a bit of reassurance on this front (and will be something I will be buying for future unaccompanied leading!). I didn't feel just nerves, though, but a lack of confidence in my ability.

Despite the fact that I told myself that this lack of confidence in my ability was misplaced given my experience in singing and leading singing, it was there. And then I thought, as I stood in the kitchen not long before I set off, why on earth am I worrying about this? What, ultimately, I am doing this for? I am using my gifts to lead people into prayer - to help them to praise and worship God, and that is what I need to focus on. I didn't feel anxious anymore.

Yes, it is important to do the very best we can, and sometimes nerves can help us to achieve this. But a lack of self-confidence or fear will not help us to do this. We need to acknowledge our God-given gifts and recognise that each and every one of us has something to offer. We should then use our gifts with confidence and joy, knowing that those gifts with which we have been blessed, whatever they may be, can enhance people's lives in many ways.

Others can affirm our gifts and help us to grow in confidence, but we need to have the self-confidence to believe in what we can do in order to use our gifts to their fullest and thus serve and glorify God in doing so.

Known and unknown

In a recent post, I wrote about the slightly frantic nature of school mornings in our house. I have since found a clip of Outnumbered on YouTube which had me laughing out loud in recognition!

Another time of the day that tends to be busy every day is bedtime, and the time leading up to this. After a bath/shower and a story, it's time for the boys to settle down to bed. It's really important to me that each of them has time when we chat one-to-one before I sing to them (even Harry, my ten-year-old, still likes me to sing to him, although not if he has a friend sleeping over :-)), say prayers and say goodnight. I have found that it is one of the times that they really like to talk about things that are on their minds, as it is quieter with fewer distractions.

Once the children are in bed, I then have the rest of the evening to myself. Most evenings I potter around doing bits and pieces in the house, perhaps getting things ready for the next day, doing some work, catching up with people on the phone or computer or reading (or writing the blog!). Sometimes I am really tired and don't have the energy to do much other than have a bath and go straight to bed! One evening last week, I felt like I was coming down with a cold and felt a bit below par. The phone went just after I had got into the bath and by the time I had got out, it was late. It had been my mum on the phone just phoning to say hello and have a chat. Although I didn't speak to her that evening, her phone call, and just hearing her voice on the answerphone, really lifted me. And the thing is, mum didn't know then that her call had meant as much that evening in particular; we often speak on the phone and this night was no different to any of the others in many ways, except for the fact that her phoning made an especial difference to how I felt that night.

Sometimes our thoughts and words of kindness or encouragement mean a lot more to people than we realise at the time, and sometimes we may not realise the extent of the impact of them at all. Sometimes people say something in passing that can really speak to us and stay with us for a long time. Sometimes we can read something that encourages us and lifts us which we can refer to again and again.

Support and encouragement may come to us, but it may be necessary at times for us to reach out for support from others when we need it, although this can be hard to do; it is certainly something that I have found difficult to do at times. I was reading a book recently which wrote specifically about how fellow mums can support and encourage each other, and that this has to start with honesty; the old saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' rings very true -  but the problem needs to be acknowledged and shared in the first place if it is going to be halved. I am very thankful that I have people to whom I can turn and say 'I am finding this difficult', and they help to give me the love and support that I need - this includes a listening ear and, often, a good dose of perspective (and humour!) that is much-needed and helps a great deal.

The encouragement that we get matters, as does the encouragement we give, and we may not be aware of how far-reaching what we say and do might be. Let us look for opportunities to encourage and support others where we can and let them know that they are thought of. Related to parenting and giving support to others on a wider scale, I think particularly of the group I have mentioned before in this blog, Mums in Durham, that has offered so much support to other mums in the Durham area and is celebrating its first anniversary this week. I also think of two friends of mine who have recently published a book and set up a website which will help new dads and support families experiencing parenthood for the first time.

Their efforts will continue to impact upon many, many people, known and unknown, as our efforts can also make a big difference to others, known and unknown.

The universal language of music

During the three days a week I teach for Durham Music Service, I visit a number of different schools, sometimes teaching whole-class instrumental tuition and other times teaching small groups. All the schools I visit value what music has to offer the children and the life of the school in general, and each one invests quite a considerable amount of curriculum time and money to offer Music Service provision to its pupils.

Last term, one of the schools in which I teach was hosting some visitors from Sri Lanka who had come over to the UK as part of a school exchange program. During their visit, the classes that I teach performed some music by way of welcoming the visitors to the school. The children sang and played beautifully and with such earnestness, and their performances were very much enjoyed by the visitors. Later on that afternoon, the visitors listened to my small group of flautists play, and then taught us a Sri Lankan welcome song. Much of the afternoon had been centred around music and the sharing of our musical heritages, and was an important part of the communication and developing bond between us all.

At another school I work in, the staff went on a school exchange to Tanzania  in the Autumn term. One of the classes I teach learnt and recorded an African song to offer as a gift from them to the children in Tanzania; it was so well-received and helped to build friendships across the miles.

Music can do this; it can transcend time and culture and is a universal language. For whatever purpose it might be used, music has the power to move us, to uplift us, and to create and develop bonds of friendship and community, whether we are performing it or listening to it. The experience of  appreciating music and sharing in this experience is so affirming and one that is so central to who we are as human beings.

The composer Gioachino Rossini (1792 - 1868) puts it beautifully:

The language of music is common to all generations and nations; it is understood by everybody, since it is understood by the heart.

The Difference

School mornings in our house can sometimes be a bit on the frantic side. Getting three children (and myself) up, ready and out of the house on time can be something of a challenge, much as I try and be organised and get things ready the night before; the putting on of shoes and coats and actually getting out of the door and into the car seems to take ages! On the very occasional mornings like the one a few weeks ago, it was even more rushed; I turned the alarm clock off instead of onto snooze, and the alarm clocks on legs (the boys and the cat) had, unusually during lighter mornings, also remained fast asleep. I am told that the BBC sitcom Outnumbered portrays the school morning routine in a very amusing fashion, although I haven't yet got round to watching it.

A busy morning doesn't give much time to think beyond the next task that needs doing, and can sometimes leave me feeling as if I'm rushing from one thing to the next all day which isn't conducive to making the best of what the day has to offer. I was looking through my bookcases recently trying to find something, and I found a small card with a prayer on inside one of the books:

The Difference

I got up early one morning,

and rushed right into the day.

I had so much to accomplish,

that I didn't have time to pray.

Problems just tumbled about me,

and heavier came each task.

"Why doesn't God help me?" I wondered.

He said, "But you didn't ask."

I wanted to see joy and beauty,

but the day toiled on, gray and bleak.

I wondered why God didn't show me.

He said, "But you didn't seek."

I tried to come into God's presence;

I used all my keys at the lock.

God gently and lovingly chided,

"My child, you didn't knock."

I woke up early this morning

and paused before entering the day.

I had so much to accomplish,

that I had to take time to pray.

First thing in the morning is not a time that I had really thought feasible to find quiet time, and had learnt to find such times at different points in the day or evening when I could. My children are at the age now, though, when they rarely wake through the night and, although they wake early, it's not so early that I couldn't get up a little bit before them and take the time to pray, and to ask for God's help for the day ahead.

At the beginning of Holy Week I read Stephen Cherry's blog post entitled "How to Make Holy Week Holy." Part of this includes the suggestion to listen to silence and to slow yourself down. Although this was written to think about specifically during this week, its message is one that can last beyond. I am going to try and take that little bit of time first thing in the morning, to listen to the silence, to slow down and pause before entering the busyness of the day. This won't change what I have to do, but it may well change how I go into it, and how I experience the day. I might also try and find and watch the relevant episodes of Outnumbered; not only will it provide amusing viewing and solidarity, but I may well also learn some very useful tips!

A take on grumbling

I subscribe to the Church Times every week, and very much enjoy catching up on the ecclesiastical goings-on of the previous week. I particularly enjoy Canon Rosalind Brown's reflection on the Sunday readings. A couple of weeks ago, she wrote an article entitled "Tempted to Grumble?". The article focused on the negative effect that grumbling can have on us, not only in the short-term, but in the long-term, too.

Grumbling can be quite easy to get into. It sometimes feels good to have a good moan, to 'get things off one's chest'. This can, in fact, be quite important, especially as we are often told that it is not good to bottle things up, but rather to acknowledge our difficulties and frustrations and, if necessary, to tackle them. This all sounds quite positive; to talk about what's bothering us, and then, possibly, to take action to help alleviate the problems we face. Grumbling, however, is not positive. Grumbling is having a moan for its own sake, without any sense of the positivity of a problem shared. Grumbling can, over time and without one necessarily realising it, become a habit and begin to affect our very nature and attitude.

Grumbling is also different to complaining, in a sense. To be aggrieved about something, perhaps poor customer service, or unjustifiable treatment in some other way, sometimes neccesitates complaining. This serves to let those who need to know that you are not happy about something, so that, amongst other things, hopefully others will not experience the same. Complaining, if channeled in the right direction, can result in change for the better. This is different to what Canon Brown refers to as 'an attitude of complaint.' With an attitude of complaint, of which grumbling is a part, arguably very little is achieved, if anything.

So, how do we prevent ourselves from travelling the slippery slope from justifiable complaint to grumbling and developing an attitude of complaint? It can be difficult. I sometimes hear myself saying "I'm tired, I've got too much to do"; "the house looks like a tip, and I don't even know where to to start"; "I can't be bothered" and so on. It can be very easy to get into a 'woe is me' attitude, which is anything but constructive, for ourselves and for those around us.

I was talking to an elderly lady recently who has very limited mobility and needs round-the-clock care. One might expect some grumbling under these circumstances, but she does not grumble; she told me that things could be far worse, and that she counts her blessings every single day. She notices the troubles of those around her, and tries to give support where she can.

Counting our blessings and being aware of the needs of those around us seems a good place to start in avoiding an attitude of complaint, and can give us some much-needed perspective. Life can be difficult for all of us in different ways and at different times; it is how we approach these difficulties that matters, and our attitude is a very important part of this. Difficult times can be a time of growth for us and learning about ourselves, too. At this time of Lent, we remember Jesus' time in the wilderness, spending time alone with God in prayer and in fasting before the start of His ministry. Our own times of wilderness can be an opportunity to find out what God has to teach us about ourselves and, as Canon Brown writes, "God sometimes takes his people into the wilderness so that they can experience blessing."

Through joyful times and challenging times, blessings can be found, if we look for them. During the times that it is difficult to do so, trusting in God's goodness and unfailing love for us can help to carry us through such a wilderness.

It seems fitting to finish this post with the beautiful words of the hymn, "Count your Blessings":

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

J. Oatman

Celebrating the gift of books!

Today is World Book Day, and the day on which the gift of books, and reading, is celebrated worldwide. Many schools take part by giving out book tokens to each child to go towards the cost of buying a book. Some also encourage the children (and staff!) to dress up for a day, perhaps as their favourite character from a book, or as a character from a book chosen by the school.

My sons' primary school decided a few weeks ago that their theme for World Book Day was going to be The Gruffalo, Julia Donaldson's wonderful story about a mouse who uses his intelligence and quick-thinking to escape multitude dangers in the forest, including The Gruffalo himself.

This singular theme certainly provided many parents with a bit of a challenge! After much deliberating over their choice of character, searching for masks on the internet, colouring in, stapling and glueing, my boys were ready to go! Thomas (6) went as The Gruffalo, Oliver (7) dressed up as the mouse and my eldest son, Harry, aged 10, decided that he was not going to go as a character but part of the forest! He, therefore, dressed as a tree!

They looked wonderful and it was such a lovely thing to do as a family; to spend time thinking about how we were going to approach this and all muck in and help each other get the various parts of the costumes ready.

At the school gates, the boys joined their friends and delighted in the many Gruffalo-related sights to be seen! This is one of the heart-warming parts of a day such as this; the celebration of books and reading itself, but also the sense of community that comes when others join together in celebration.

Today gives the opportunity for people to celebrate their enthusiasm for books together; to think about how, once we have been given the gift of reading, there is scope to be truly inspired by others' thoughts, ideas and imagination.

Passing on the gift of reading is precious. My mother used to read to me with such enthusiasm and spent a lot of time listening to me read and encouraging me. I am sure that this had a huge impact on developing my love of reading, and I am so thankful to her for that. I am now doing my best to pass on this gift to my own children, and it is really very special to sit and read with them and see the moment when their faces light up when they realise that "I can read this myself!!"

I give thanks for books today, for those who write them, and for those who bring them alive by illustrating them. I give thanks for the gift of reading, and for those who take time and care to pass on this gift so that others may share with them the joy of reading.

The milk of human kindness

This afternoon I went to a fundraising event organised by a Facegroup group called Mums in Durham. The event had been organised to help a local mother-of-four young children who is terminally ill with cancer (with only weeks to live) and who had a house fire not long ago, leaving her homeless.

This awful situation is unimaginable to most of us, and something we would hope never to have to face. When we hear of terrible things happening, and there are sadly so many reported in the media on a daily basis, it can evoke a sense of helplessness in us; we know that other people are suffering in so many ways, but often their situation feels too far away from us to do something about, or there seems too much suffering to know where to start with helping to alleviate it.

This afternoon's event was a reminder that there are things that we can do to help, and great things are often achieved as the result of lots of individuals coming together to do their bit, however small it may seem. Today was a result of a group of local mums who had heard about Dawn's story and thought "yes, we can do something to help". They couldn't take away what was happening to her, but they could let Dawn know that she wasn't alone in her time of need, and that many others cared about what was happening to her.

The event took only six days to organise, and this was detailed on the Mums in Durham page. It was humbling to see how many people were getting involved; organisations had offered to help, either free of charge or for a much-reduced rate, and people gave of their time freely and offered to help set up and run stalls. Through Mums in Durham, other Facebook pages heard of Dawn's story and donated.

When I went along this afternoon, the church hall was packed. The building was buzzing with helpers, organisers and with all those who had come along to support Dawn and her family, many of whom had not met her, but who felt compassion for her and wanted to help in some way.

I came away having bought four cakes and donated a small sum of money to a collection. I looked at the cakes and thought of my contribution and didn't feel that I had done very much. I later discovered that the whole event had raised over £1500 which was a fantastic sum. My part might not have been very big in that, but it was a part, and this had made a difference.

Dawn has apparently been overwhelmed by the response. One of the admin members of the Facebook group said that Dawn had said to her that she felt surrounded by love and support and that this had really helped her to cope with what is happening in her life.

We can't do everything, but we can do something, and our part does matter and does make a difference.